What does a survivor of abuse look like?

Well, they look like me. A college student, a student- leader, an activist, a Black woman, somebody's sister, somebody's daughter, and somebody's friend.

Content warning: This story contains details about sexual assault, rape, intimate partner violence, and emotional abuse that may be disturbing to some readers.

For legal purposes, the names and locations have been changed for the safety and protection of myself, my peers, and my experience.

In college, I was introduced to a boy at a party, and here’s my story. I remember being attracted to him because he was a smooth talker and had an accent. Naturally, we bonded over travel experience and languages. Though, ironically enough, that night at that party I didn’t care for his actions or personality. He was an asshole. Truly, I was unimpressed. A week later, I attended a meeting, and there he was. I didn’t pay him any mind. He’s not my type and I was in school to focus. I had everything aligned for me that semester. I needed to maintain my 3.9 GPA or else my parents were going to put me on a flight home with my favorite magazine.

So fast forward a few weeks after that meeting to another work obligation and I saw him at this event. He kept trying to talk to me and make small talk as I was waiting patiently for my friend to get her car from the parking lot. I just wanted to go home. I was tired. He asked for my number and mentioned something about collaborating and working together and I honestly thought that’s what this was about. It made sense, but… that’s not what happened at first.

Our relationship started very quickly, it seemed normal at first. We began to spend quite some time with each other. He told me he really liked me. He would always want to be in my personal space and hang out with me. We did the whole Netflix and chill thing, spending time with each other, parties, etc. We weren’t in an official relationship. He told me he doesn’t do relationships, but that we could still hang out and be with each other as long as it wasn’t exclusive and we could still mess with other people blah blah blah. Honestly, a red flag right there. Things escalated rather quickly after a few weeks.

Our first “hangout” we watched a movie and talked. Super calm. That was good enough for me. Until he started putting his hands in my pants. I remember my initial reaction being like “oh my gosh, what is happening. WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING”. He didn’t ask. He didn’t check in. There was no communication if that was okay or not. He started to touch my breasts and that also made me uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do. I froze. Now fast forward to the present day, I realized what this was. This was a violation of my boundaries. This was an assault. Red flag. At that time, I didn’t know what was happening. I thought this was normal. Our night and several ‘dates’ later continued.

Our talking stage was going okay until the topic of sex came up AGAIN. I was very clear about my intentions the first time we got together for a Netflix and chill “date”. I remember telling him that if this was just him looking for sex and it being anything related that I was not the person for him, but we can still be friends and have a professional relationship. He told me no that’s not what it was and that he just wanted to get to know me. So sure, I believed that. I trusted him. Within that first month, things escalated. We didn’t have sex, but things were moving a little bit too quickly for my liking. I continued to express that I wasn’t interested in having sex. He would get me to try to take him to my room so we could be more “comfortable” and I wasn’t interested in that. Another red flag. I knew that would lead to something I didn’t feel comfortable doing.

Things started to pick up for me with school and my responsibilities and I knew this boy was starting to be a distraction. So I took a step back and limited my interaction. I recall going to this fundraiser event with my cousin, Amy, and he was there. He was across the room and we made eye contact and I whispered to my cousin and said something along the lines of “ I don’t feel like dealing with this right now”. She said, “okay, I got you, Tay”. He came over, came from behind and put his hands around my waist, and started whispering something in my ear. I remember instantly removing his hands from my body. Don’t touch me. I was so incredibly annoyed by this. That weekend we talked and I expressed how that made me uncomfortable. I talked about my boundaries again. He listened and apologized. This was probably the 6th apology. Another red flag.

Our fairytale situationship/entanglement was almost too good to be true. We grew closer and our bond became so much stronger, but over time he started expressing behaviors that I never saw before: extreme manipulation, gaslighting, jealousy.

Something clicked for me because I wanted to end the relationship. I truly believe that my body and my gut was telling me something that my mind did not even realize. I tried to leave. I ended it during the holiday season, but we were still in communication. Like several incidents later of me trying to leave he still found a way to contact me (stay tuned for another blog post on this).

When we got back to school, he did not speak to me. He ignored me. He made it seem like he was not even in the country. He was texting me from an international number. Red flag. He made me feel like I did something wrong when I knew I didn’t. He texted me from his US number later that day after seeing me in person on campus. I was hurt, I didn’t like that feeling. After that, he spoke to me and apologized how he was being distant and that he shouldn’t have just ignored me or acted like he didn’t know me. It was at this moment that he told me he really likes me and cares about me and enjoys hanging out with me and such. I didn’t see the red flags. How could you really care about someone but make them believe you are in another country when you’re not and ignore them? I thought this was normal.

So I stayed - hoping and believing things would change. They did not.

Our relationship progressed significantly after that. Like many other women who experience intimate partner violence and abuse, my relationship started with this extreme infatuation of each other, but over time it became manipulation, control, and eventually sexual abuse. There were times I felt like I didn’t know who I was. Times I felt like I was going crazy. Times I felt like I couldn’t be myself.

I think this is what has been so challenging about my story because it’s not picture perfect, it’s not like the movies. It’s not black and white. In fact, it is very grey. I wasn’t shoved onto the bed or pushed against the wall, I didn’t have any bruises, I wasn’t in a dark alley instead my mind was manipulated and I was forced to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. Oh, and I knew my perpetrator. He wasn’t a stranger. It happened in my college dorm - a place I felt so safe and comfortable in. It happened with someone I knew and trusted. It happened to me. I never would have thought it could happen to me.

Narcissistic abuse and coercive control is extremely hard to unpack. Your mind and emotions are manipulated and your way of thinking drastically changes so much so that this new way of thinking impacts your life after abuse.

My boundaries were violated. My body was violated. Now looking back months later and after doing the work in therapy, I realize now that my boundaries were violated from day 1 not just in the end as I first realized. Both physical and emotional boundaries. I was not respected. I was forced, pressured, and persuaded to do something that I was not comfortable doing.

He didn’t even ask me if it was okay to touch my body parts. He didn’t ask if it was okay to slip his hands in my pants. He didn’t ask if it was ok. It was not ok.

He made me feel guilty for saying no. For saying I didn’t want to have sex. He made me feel weird that I set my boundary. And then the boundary got violated anyways. What an ass. I am angry, yes. I am hurt, yes.

He harassed me and tried to sabotage my friendships and achievements.

He took something away from me that year.

I share more of the intimate details of my abuse and assault on my podcast! You can check it out on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

To my survivor community, I want to let you know that you are not alone. Though sometimes it feels like you are. You are not. Even if it feels like no one will believe you. I believe you. Just remember, that you are not the only person going through this and know that you will get through it.

I share my story because I believe in the power of storytelling and community. I share my story because I wish I knew that someone else was experiencing what I was experiencing and knew how I felt. I share my story because for 7 months I kept what happened to me inside and I dismissed my feelings. I never ever want anyone to feel as alone as I felt because the truth is WE ARE NOT ALONE.

I share my story because my voice is powerful.

If you or someone you love is experiencing relationship abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE